OCD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDe3hfFlBtk&feature=channel_video_title



Iar e noapte. Pandesc pe langa casele acelea insiruite ca vulturii pe langa prada, si astept un moment. N-as putea spune ce, aud soapte de oameni si vreau sa-i ocolesc. Sunt adunati prin curti iar eu ii observ in treacat, cu inima ajunsa in gat, asa tarandu-ma pe langa pardoseli de garaje. Nici nu ma uit prea bine in jur, daca as observa ceva clar, sigur as ramane mai mult timp pe loc. In dreapta mea se deschide o gaura imensa, cu pereti moi de pamant umed, in fundul careia se intrec si se lovesc masini. Intotdeauna zbor prea jos, iar mainile intinse ale oamenilor ma opresc din cand in cand… Fosnai la randul meu frunzele copacilor, si simt crengutele subtiri si intoarse cum imi zgarie fata. In fata gurii de metrou, infundata de apa, se misca resturi de gunoaie vegetale si bule de aer. Arata moale ca o perna semi transparenta, in mijlocul Ramnicului plin de duzi si de tei. Ma arunc in ea ca intr-o imbratisare rece, dinamica in staticul ei, pulsatorie prin toate firele pielii care nu-mi apartin de fapt. Prin ochii inchisi, genele devin mici dinti ascutiti care-mi musca ochii si obrajii. Lichidul acela dens cu miros de fier ma ineaca, imi umfla plamanii ca niste bureti uscati si nefolositi de mult prea mult timp.

Nu vrem sa-i deranjam. Sunt sensibili la lumina.

Prima gura de aer. Dureroasa. Nu e de mirare ca nu mai tinem minte. Lumea e adunata pe langa sinele de tren, ce ciudat, aici nu mai e apa, nici stropi, nici urme. Ma controlez si observ ca am o gaura in piept, iar coastele-mi sunt sparte si ascutite. Pot sa-i observ pe ceilalti din spatele meu prin ea, femei, barbati, copii… toti in haine ponosite si zdrentuite, cu sacose mari, galbene, din plastic impletit. Si atunci incep sa rad. Sunt inauntru, asezata pe cele doua scaune gemene, si rad tinandu-ma de spatiul acela gol, dar nu ca sa ma acopar. O femeie varstnica scuipa in san si isi face cruce. O alta o intoarce insa, punandu-i mainile pe dupa umeri, dar nu dinspre mine. E ceva pe tavan si ma simt nevoita sa ridic ochii. Doar cerul. Clar si albastru, ametitor… Copilul divin face baie. Sunt eu cea care sta cu picioarele pe pamant, si toti ceilalti invers, cu capul in jos. Fiecare din ei sunt tot eu, o imagine multifatetata, cu reflexii pe diverse bucati, ca un film developat gresit, sunt tot eu cea care se tine de bara, cea care urla in mijlocul multimii, cel care citeste o pagina de ziar rupta, scrisa cu litere chirilice. Poze alb-negru din alte vieti trecute…
Iar e zi. Observ lumina printre genele ochilor intredeschisi, pe ecranul carora imi apare in dreapta jos “Nicio forma de viata”. Scarile colcaie insa, ma feresc de vase de drenaj si de manusi chirugicale murdare. Picioarele de paianjen din metal si beton armat pe care le urc la nesfarsit ma aduc in mijlocul unui subsol intunecat , cu miros umed de putregai. Pardoseala luceste in urme cleioase, lasate parca de niste melci enormi fara casa. In drum, strivesc ceva viu sub talpa, o carne moale si calda, care se desface exact ca o palma in 5 directii, emanand aceeasi bula de miros de putregai. Totul se rastoarna de sus in jos.

Picioarele mele sunt copite care se transforma in gheare ascutite, care la randul lor se transforma in aripi de liliac. Strabat parcul IOR cand in zbor, cand in fuga, calcand apa murdara, stropindu-mi corpul si strivindu-mi cand blana, cand aripile, cand pielea. Devine enorm, zeci de lacuri se desprind din el, zeci de insule incep sa pluteasca sau sa se scufunde in urma mea… un adevarat carusel pe care il urc, dar nu ajung niciodata sa-l cobor.

Pentru ca intotdeauna in punctul cel mai inalt se rupe sina.

Pe strada toti oamenii sunt grupati. In stanga mea, un grup de femei jupuie un animal de viu, un pui de tigru galben, pe care il lovesc in cap cu piatra, si-l taie pe burta cu sisurile. E prea slabit ca sa mai riposteze, suera incet, cu sunete de balon de grasime care se desumfla. Ma arunc in gramada lor si musc pe cineva de gat. Sangele cald tasneste in toate directiile, si toti se dau in spate, privindu-mi restul de carne care imi atarna de gura, si ochii rosii care sclipesc de turbare.

- E al meu! E al meu! E al meu! E al meu! De doua ori al meu, de trei ori chiar. Intelegeti? De cinci ori al meu, ca cinci e o cifra mai buna. Nu, de 10 ori e al meu, ca 1+0 face tot 1, si asa ne intoarcem de unde am plecat si nu e normal. E al meu! De 11 ori!

Il strang intr-un prosop si il iau in brate. Are ochii albastrii de margele iar blana murdara si incleiata se revarsa peste incheieturile mainilor mele… ii prind sclipirea rasuflarii, ma gandesc ca iar trebuie sa ma scufund in apa aceea de deasupra mea, si apoi incep sa imi ling ranile. Gaura din piept e de fapt o taietura.

Iar e noapte. Stam grupati in pat, cu usa de la camera incuiata, cu aluminiu subtire pus in ferestre, cu masa de lemn langa noi, lemn jupuit si scorojit de atatea lichide varsate pe ea de-a lungul anilor, si ne tinem de maini. Fratii. Din cand in cand, cate unul se ridica din pat si se indreapta spre usa. Observam ca are degetele cianotice, culoare care se misca de-a lungul venelor de pe incheietura, pana sus spre umeri.

Sunt sensibili la intuneric.

Aceeasi ochi de sticla tulbure, aceeasi incordare a corpului, spasme care incep sa-i contorsioneze, oase care se rup. Si ies pe usa.


Raman singura. Iar ma ascund pe langa pardoseli de garaje, pe vine, si rasuflu fier si sulf. Groapa fluida din dreapta mea se misca si ea, odata cu mersul meu tarat. Ajunge atat de aproape incat o simt ca pe o fiinta vie, dornica de contopire, o nevoie de simbioza pe care o inteleg . Indoi mana spre ceafa,si incep sa smulg suvite de par, pe care le umezesc sub forma de smocuri.
Sa numar pana la 11, vreau sa apuc sa numar pana la 11.

***
Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions. Symptoms of the disorder include excessive washing or cleaning; repeated checking; extreme hoarding; preoccupation with sexual, violent or religious thoughts; aversion to particular numbers; and nervous rituals, such as opening and closing a door a certain number of times before entering or leaving a room. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and financial distress. The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic. However, OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions and compulsions as irrational, and may become further distressed by this realization.

Biological

OCD has been linked to abnormalities with the neurotransmitter serotonin, although it could be either a cause or an effect of these abnormalities. Serotonin is thought to have a role in regulating anxiety. To send chemical messages from one neuron to another, serotonin must bind to the receptor sites located on the neighboring nerve cell. It is hypothesized that the serotonin receptors of OCD sufferers may be relatively understimulated. This suggestion is consistent with the observation that many OCD patients benefit from the use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of antidepressant medications that allow for more serotonin to be readily available to other nerve cells.[20]
A possible genetic mutation may contribute to OCD. A mutation has been found in the human serotonin transporter gene, hSERT, in unrelated families with OCD.[21] Moreover, data from identical twins supports the existence of a "heritable factor for neurotic anxiety".[22] Further, individuals with OCD are more likely to have first-degree family members exhibiting the same disorders than do matched controls. In cases where OCD develops during childhood, there is a much stronger familial link in the disorder than cases in which OCD develops later in adulthood. In general, genetic factors account for 45-65% of OCD symptoms in children diagnosed with the disorder.[23] Environmental factors also play a role in how these anxiety symptoms are expressed; various studies on this topic are in progress and the presence of a genetic link is not yet definitely established.

People with OCD evince increased grey matter volumes in bilateral lenticular nuclei, extending to the caudate nuclei, while decreased grey matter volumes in bilateral dorsal medial frontal/anterior cingulate gyri.[24][25] These findings contrast with those in people with other anxiety disorders, who evince decreased (rather than increased) grey matter volumes in bilateral lenticular / caudate nuclei, while also decreased grey matter volumes in bilateral dorsal medial frontal/anterior cingulate gyri.[25] Orbitofrontal cortex overactivity is attenuated in patients who have successfully responded to SSRI medication, a result believed to be caused by increased stimulation of serotonin receptors 5-HT2A and 5-HT2C.[26] The striatum, linked to planning and the initiation of appropriate actions, has also been implicated; mice genetically engineered with a striatal abnormality exhibit OCD-like behavior, grooming themselves three times as frequently as ordinary mice.[27] Recent evidence supports the possibility of a heritable predisposition for neurological development favoring OCD.[28]
Rapid onset of OCD in children may be caused by Group A streptococcal infection, a condition hypothesized by its acronym PANDAS.[29]

Neurotransmitters role

Researchers have yet to pinpoint the exact cause of OCD, but brain differences, genetic influences, and environmental factors are being studied. Brain scans of people with OCD have shown that they have different patterns of brain activity than people without OCD and that different functioning of circuitry within a certain part of the brain, the striatum, may cause the disorder. Differences in other parts of the brain and an imbalance of brain chemicals, especially serotonin and dopamine, may also contribute to OCD.[30] Independent studies have consistently found unusual dopamine and serotonin activity in various regions of the brain in individuals with OCD. These can be defined as dopaminergic hyperfunction in the prefrontal cortex and serotonergic hypofunction in the basal ganglia.[31][32][33]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_disorder

Sexual obsessions

Sexual obsessions are obsessions with sex, and in the context of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) these are extremely common (Foa et al., 1995). It can become extremely debilitating, making the sufferer ashamed of the symptoms and reluctant to seek help. Preoccupation with sexual matters, however, does not only occur as a symptom of OCD and may be enjoyable in other contexts (i.e. sexual fantasy).

Sexual focus

Hypersexuality
Because sex carries significant emotional, moral, and religious importance, it often becomes a magnet for obsessions in people predisposed to OCD. Common themes include unfaithfulness, deviant behaviors, pedophilia, the unfaithfulness or suitability of one's partner, and profane thoughts combining religion and sex. People with sexual obsessions may have legitimate concerns about their attractiveness, potency, or partner, which can serve as an unconscious catalyst for the obsessions.
Sexual obsessions take many forms. For example, a father might obsess about sexually abusing his daughter. He might wonder if these thoughts mean that he is a pedophile and worry that he could act them out, despite the fact that he has never sexually abused anyone and feels disgusted by the idea. Another example is a man who worries that he may accidentally impregnate a woman by shaking her hand because he was not careful enough in washing his hands after touching his genitals.[3] A patient may also experience fears that their obsession has already been carried out.
In the midst of the thoughts, the sexual obsessions may seem real. Occasionally, individuals with OCD believe that their obsession is true, and in such a case they would be said to have "poor insight." But the vast majority of people with OCD recognize at some point that their fears are extreme and unrealistic. The problem is that even though they know the obsession is false, it feels real. These individuals can't understand why they are unable to dismiss the obsession from their minds. The obsession may temporarily subside in the face of a logical argument or reassurance from others, but may spike when caught off guard by a sexual trigger.[2]
Sexual obsessions can be particularly troubling to the individual with OCD, as something important and cherished becomes twisted into its nightmarish opposite. People with sexual obsessions are particularly likely to have co-occurring aggressive and religious obsessions, clinical depression, and higher rates of impulse control disorders.[1]

Self-Doubt

Obsessions often reflect a vulnerable self-theme where the person doubts their real or actual self.[4] Doubt and uncertainty linger with sexual obsessions. They provide several contradictions which include: uncertainty as to whether you would act on these or whether you have already acted upon them, and uncertainty as to whether you are liking the thoughts (even though you know you don't) needless to say these cause an increase in anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty.[5]
Another form of OCD that can take hold of a person is a fear that they do not love their partner sufficiently (ROCD). As with sexual obsessions, and quite often in response to them, a person may feel the need to end a perfectly good relationship based on their inability to feel how they want to. Instead of finding good in their partner, they are constantly focused on their shortcomings. They often overexaggerate these "flaws" and use them to prove the relationship is fundamentally bad. Even when they know they love someone, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, a surge of anxiety takes hold of them because, although free from the obsessive thoughts, they may realize that they prematurely ended a good relationship. The fact that they are unable to concentrate on anything but their partner's flaws causes the sufferer great anxiety, and often leads to a strained relationship.

Avoidance

In the same way that those who have OCD fears of contamination avoid anything that will 'contaminate' them (i.e., doorknobs, puddles, shaking hands), those who are suffering from such sexual obsessions may feel an overpowering need to avoid all contact with anything that can cause them to have anxiety, or 'spike'. Such avoidance may include: Not looking at (for instance) another member of the same sex in the face, avoiding locker rooms, showers, and beaches, etc. It can also mean avoiding sexual situations with members of the opposite sex, for fear of what a particular circumstance (not being aroused enough, intrusive thoughts, etc.) might mean. A sufferer may also avoid hugging children, including their own, a compulsion which may cause severe damage to the well-being of the child. It may cause social problems as the sufferer avoids being with gay, or straight, friends, or people with children. The social isolation feeds the anxiety, and therefore the OCD.
Sexual ideation
It cannot be overemphasized that the sexual obsessions in OCD are the opposite of the usual sexual daydream or fantasy. The thoughts are not really part of the person's identity, but they are the sort of thoughts or impulses the person with OCD fears that he/she may have (Aardema & O'Connor, 2003, 2007). The sexual ideation in OCD is unpleasant and distressing for the person with OCD. The individual with OCD does not want the thought to become real. The idea of acting out the obsession fills the OCD victim with dread (Gordon 2002). The sexual ideation in such situations is termed "ego-dystonic" or ego-alien, meaning that the behavior and/or attitudes are seen by the individual as inconsistent with his or her fundamental beliefs and personality. Sexual obsessions in OCD rarely produce sexual arousal because anxiety and arousal cannot occupy the same space[citation needed]. As a result, OCD usually decreases sex drive. However, the sufferer's constant focus on not becoming aroused or checking that they do not become aroused may lead to 'groinal response'. Many OCD sufferers take this groinal response as actual arousal, when in reality it is not. OCD sexual obsessions often result in guilt, shame, and may interfere with social functioning or work. On the subject of sexual arousal. Maybe 40% of sufferers (number could be higher due to the embarrassment associated) also report some accompanying physiological arousal. Reactions can include increased heart rate, a feeling of being turned on, and even erections, increased lubrication (in women), and orgasm. This response typically generates more confusion and uncertainty. Normally however this is a conditioned physiological response in the primitive thalamus of a brain which does not identify the thought as sex with a particular person, just sex. This is generally not indicative of one's own personal desires. (Osgood-Hynes)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_obsessions

Doi barbati si o femeie. Ei au prezervatize fosforescente, menage a trois Star Wars. Zoom- zoom!
"The white force is down! Let's reunite the Force!"

Zoom - laser frate!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5807sK4PqA